I'm on the roller coaster of emotions!

        I did indeed ovulate! Then the waiting began. I wanted so bad to test. I tested way too early and got a Big Fat Negative. I waited a bit longer and tested again BFN! I felt hopeful! I thought maybe I was pregnant. I had sore boobs and was soooo tired.
         Only to get Aunt Flow the next day! Ugh! It came with fierceness. It was probably the worst period ever! I guess after 9 months, at the least, of no real ovulation, it really needed a period. It hurt so bad!       
          Since I got my period, I decided that I should get a mocha, caffeine! This is probably what got me through the fact I did not get pregnant. So, we went to MickeyDees to get my coveted mocha. The cashier said the machine wasn't working(this was the second time it happened at MickeyDees and third time I had gotten this, I had wanted one since a week ago). I kinda flipped out and said, "seriously" and turned around steaming. I sat down waiting for my husband, embarrassed. Now, was I wrong? Absolutely. I broke down after my husband got the food. Crying, I explained how the mocha was the only thing that I was looking forward to.
        In the middle of the worst period, I had church. Of course, we were late and had to sit in the back of the church. When you are in the back of the church, you sit with all the children and parents. I could see all the kids and hear all the kids crying/talking. I can't explain why, but I just wanted to cry. There wasn't a single thought or idea, just tears. I have to fight this sadness that falls over me. I need to move on and look forward to the next oppotunity.
     The second thing I looked forward to is getting the HSG test down and over with. It's not that I wanted to have the test, as I am scared of the pain, but just to have one more thing checked off our list before moving on. Well, I called to make my appointment. There was a mix up since my first cycle day was on Thanksgiving and they were closed on Black Friday. I called yesterday and they couldn't fit me in! How frustrating! I have to wait one more cycle. I am pretty upset, but patience is a virtue.

A step in the right direction...

            Sunday I received a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit. I asked my husband and he agreed. But I was hesitate. I've had a positive OPK before, but then my temperatures didn't show ovulation. So, I was like well I guess we will wait and see. Monday my temperature rose, Tuesday my temp went down a little bit, Wednesday it went up again, and today it went down a little bit, but still high! I OVULATED!!! Yay! I've been praying just to ovulate! It finally happened. Thank God, I was starting to get worried that I would never ovulate on my own. I definitely think losing weight and metformin helped!
     Now it's waiting to see if I have the normal 14 days afterwards or if my cycle will be wacky. Or maybe a pregnancy? Will shall see...

God gave me a wake up call...

    Yesterday I went to the mall with my husband, mother-in-law, and cousin. You wouldn't believe the number of babies and pregnant women you see! It's like everywhere I looked, there are other miracles happening, except for me and my husband. It hurts. I'm jealous. I find myself thinking constantly about babies, about having babies, and making babies. I wake up and that's what I think about. I've been having the dreaded baby dreams. A baby dream is when you dream about being pregnant or having a baby, and wake up to realize it's not real. That breaks your heart. It makes you cry. It's crazy how easily this comes about.
   Today I went to church and there was a dedication. Another baby. There are kids in service crying, more babies. I was starting to feel bad for myself. I was starting to get upset, and break down and ask God why? I could feel it. My church service was going on, while I was there with my mind on BABIES! I am supposed to be praising God and my mind is elsewhere.
    Then Pastor Walker gave his sermon. It was about how sometimes we get so wrapped up in fixing our issues, sometimes good things: our marriage, our kids, or getting out of debt, that we ignored God. We look back, and feel like God isn't there. I feel like that! I feel like God is not in control. I am trying to be in control. I want to have a baby NOW! I don't want to wait. I don't care when God's timing is, I want it now. Pastor Walker explained that sometimes our well-intentioned things, become idols. My quest to have a baby, a good thing, has become my idol. I think about it, more than I think about God. I obsess about it, more than I obsess about God and HIS word. I need to breath, I need to trust HIM. I need to give it to HIM. I need to stop obsessing! I need to wait. I HATE WAITING.... Learning to wait(maybe not patiently) and trusting the GREAT I AM.