Yesterday I went to the mall with my husband, mother-in-law, and cousin. You wouldn't believe the number of babies and pregnant women you see! It's like everywhere I looked, there are other miracles happening, except for me and my husband. It hurts. I'm jealous. I find myself thinking constantly about babies, about having babies, and making babies. I wake up and that's what I think about. I've been having the dreaded baby dreams. A baby dream is when you dream about being pregnant or having a baby, and wake up to realize it's not real. That breaks your heart. It makes you cry. It's crazy how easily this comes about.
Today I went to church and there was a dedication. Another baby. There are kids in service crying, more babies. I was starting to feel bad for myself. I was starting to get upset, and break down and ask God why? I could feel it. My church service was going on, while I was there with my mind on BABIES! I am supposed to be praising God and my mind is elsewhere.
Then Pastor Walker gave his sermon. It was about how sometimes we get so wrapped up in fixing our issues, sometimes good things: our marriage, our kids, or getting out of debt, that we ignored God. We look back, and feel like God isn't there. I feel like that! I feel like God is not in control. I am trying to be in control. I want to have a baby NOW! I don't want to wait. I don't care when God's timing is, I want it now. Pastor Walker explained that sometimes our well-intentioned things, become idols. My quest to have a baby, a good thing, has become my idol. I think about it, more than I think about God. I obsess about it, more than I obsess about God and HIS word. I need to breath, I need to trust HIM. I need to give it to HIM. I need to stop obsessing! I need to wait. I HATE WAITING.... Learning to wait(maybe not patiently) and trusting the GREAT I AM.
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