"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; FREE me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins." Psalm 25: 16-18
Today I cried on the way to work. I don't mean just a single tear, I mean a full out crying. I am so tired of feeling depressed. I prayed to God, CRIED out to him. I prayed that He would give me joy. I mean real joy. I want to feel happy again. I want to be able to do the things I used to do without thinking about infertility and feeling sad about my lack of ability to get pregnant. I want to have conversations without thinking always about my infertility. I want to be genuinely happy for pregnancies, babies, and mothers happy moments in conversations.
I am disappointed that it's taking so long to get pregnant. I have had the thought that what if God's plan isn't for us to get pregnant. I want to be able to Praise God even if that happens. I want to have that great faith of Paul. He praised God while he was in chains and in prison. Why don't I feel the same way? Why am I doubting God? Why am I struggling to give my life to him daily?
I do realize that I've only been trying for 14 months, while others have been trying for years(some up to 10). But I am a very Emotional person. I really feel my successes, my failures, my hopes, my dreams, and my feelings. I know I need to look at the big picture. I need to see that 14 months in the grand scheme of things, isn't that long. But the what ifs are killing me. What if I don't get pregnant? What if God wants us to be childless? What if I get pregnant and miscarry?
So, if you are still following my blog (even after all the whining, crying, and tantrums), please pray for God's will to be done in my life and for Joy. That God would use this journey to bring me closer to him and that I can let go of my life on a daily basis. Thank You.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Vent, Cry, and an Update
I have a lot on my mind, so I apologize if it gets jumbled and long. I got through Mother's Day pretty easily. It helped to get together with some amazing other women are struggling with infertility. We went to McDonald's to talk about what was going on, our hurts, our sorrows, and how we feel on IVF. It felt good to talk to these ladies. So, I pretty much got through Mother's Day, because besides that and grocery shopping I didn't leave the house. My husband and I went last Saturday to Walmart to pick up prescriptions and when you immediately walked through the door, everything was about Mother's Day. Of course, my husband didn't notice it and said he didn't see anything but a few signs! Men!
I honestly thought that once I gave up my control on infertility that I would feel better and not be so upset. Boy, was I wrong. I have been so frustrated with Facebook, because the past two weeks every time I open Facebook there is pregnancy updates, adorable baby photos, or guess what I'm pregnant. It still stings. It still hurts! Now, I am all for people sharing their news and it's good news. It should be shared and I'm not saying that people should censor what they put on because other people feel. I am sure when and if I get pregnant, I will do the same thing. But for me and other people struggling with infertility, it hurts. One of my friends says she hates getting on Facebook for this reason. At the same time, I love to know what is going on in people's lives. I like being able to see who I can pray for or who has good news! I adore being able to see my sister's life and my nephews through Facebook.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that every time I go to an event with people my age, I feel left out, overlooked, especially if kids are involved. I realize that my age group is having kids and enjoying motherhood. But it sucks. These events usually consist of people talking about their kids and the funny/great things they do, whether it's milestones or just great things. Then there's me, who just listens politely while inside I am trying to figure out a way out! Again, I am not saying to censor your conversation, because that's your life. It revolves around your kids and that's great! I just feel left out. I feel sad when I watch kids play and laugh, realizing that my future is unknown. It's just hard.
I don't want to feel left out or sad about these things, because they are amazing things. Kids are amazing, pregnancy is amazing! I'm tired of feeling this way. I want my life back when I didn't feel this way. I don't want to have to worry about how I will get through an event. I feel like infertility has taken away my joy of being around kids sometimes. I love to do nursery, babysit, and be around kids. I need my mothering to come out so how. I need cuddle times, especially with my nieces. But when it's all over I can't promise I won't feel sad or cry. I guess sometimes, maybe I am over-dramatic and over sensitive, but I can't change who I am. I can't change how I feel. It's who I am.
So a short update on my progress of everything. First I want to AW my husband, he is amazing and comforts me so much. He may not always understand why I get upset, but he is there to hold me while I cry. In addition to this, he talks openly to his coworkers about our issues, which for a man is pretty amazing. He works in an office full of women. Well, two women have been in our shoes and gives good advice. One women struggles with PCOS without Insulin Resistance, which is just like me, talked to him and gave him advice. She saw a endocrinologist at the hospital and he dealt with all of her infertility. Well, another person(not in his office) told me I should see one since I am taking Metformin. So, I made an appointment to go see this doctor and see what he says. I feel like the hospital's OBGYN is lacking on their knowledge of infertility. I was very upset how my last cycle went and how it was dealt with. So, my appointment isn't until June 6th, our 3rd anniversary. I am kinda worried that the doctor is going to look at my crazy and ask why I am there to see him. Anyway, I am going and that means at least one more cycle will be without help.
Thanks for listening to me vent, cry, and give an update. Sorry it's so long!
I honestly thought that once I gave up my control on infertility that I would feel better and not be so upset. Boy, was I wrong. I have been so frustrated with Facebook, because the past two weeks every time I open Facebook there is pregnancy updates, adorable baby photos, or guess what I'm pregnant. It still stings. It still hurts! Now, I am all for people sharing their news and it's good news. It should be shared and I'm not saying that people should censor what they put on because other people feel. I am sure when and if I get pregnant, I will do the same thing. But for me and other people struggling with infertility, it hurts. One of my friends says she hates getting on Facebook for this reason. At the same time, I love to know what is going on in people's lives. I like being able to see who I can pray for or who has good news! I adore being able to see my sister's life and my nephews through Facebook.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that every time I go to an event with people my age, I feel left out, overlooked, especially if kids are involved. I realize that my age group is having kids and enjoying motherhood. But it sucks. These events usually consist of people talking about their kids and the funny/great things they do, whether it's milestones or just great things. Then there's me, who just listens politely while inside I am trying to figure out a way out! Again, I am not saying to censor your conversation, because that's your life. It revolves around your kids and that's great! I just feel left out. I feel sad when I watch kids play and laugh, realizing that my future is unknown. It's just hard.
I don't want to feel left out or sad about these things, because they are amazing things. Kids are amazing, pregnancy is amazing! I'm tired of feeling this way. I want my life back when I didn't feel this way. I don't want to have to worry about how I will get through an event. I feel like infertility has taken away my joy of being around kids sometimes. I love to do nursery, babysit, and be around kids. I need my mothering to come out so how. I need cuddle times, especially with my nieces. But when it's all over I can't promise I won't feel sad or cry. I guess sometimes, maybe I am over-dramatic and over sensitive, but I can't change who I am. I can't change how I feel. It's who I am.
So a short update on my progress of everything. First I want to AW my husband, he is amazing and comforts me so much. He may not always understand why I get upset, but he is there to hold me while I cry. In addition to this, he talks openly to his coworkers about our issues, which for a man is pretty amazing. He works in an office full of women. Well, two women have been in our shoes and gives good advice. One women struggles with PCOS without Insulin Resistance, which is just like me, talked to him and gave him advice. She saw a endocrinologist at the hospital and he dealt with all of her infertility. Well, another person(not in his office) told me I should see one since I am taking Metformin. So, I made an appointment to go see this doctor and see what he says. I feel like the hospital's OBGYN is lacking on their knowledge of infertility. I was very upset how my last cycle went and how it was dealt with. So, my appointment isn't until June 6th, our 3rd anniversary. I am kinda worried that the doctor is going to look at my crazy and ask why I am there to see him. Anyway, I am going and that means at least one more cycle will be without help.
Thanks for listening to me vent, cry, and give an update. Sorry it's so long!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Letting go One Step at a Time
I have been so trying to work on relationship with God the past three weeks. I had various bible verses and devotionals telling me that I need to let go. Here is a bible verse that spoke to me:
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
This came up in my bible study. I was taken aback from the verse. God formed me and redeemed me. He is WITH me through these trials. He even states HE LOVES ME! I don't remember seeing the specific verses saying he loves us in such a point blank way. I have been pushing him away so much. I've been so angry with him, not allowing him to comfort me.
I have come to the conclusion(which I probably already knew) that God already has control, so me giving it up to him changes nothing. It only changes how I view things.
I am going to share my prayer to him:
God,
I am tired of fighting you and running away. I know what your word says. Please take control of my life, I'm so tired of "trying" to be in control. This is not my life, but yours. You saved me! You made me for some purpose. I have to face the fact that your purpose for my life, might not be to have kids or maybe it's kids in a few years. My life is not my own. I want to stop fighting for control. Control I now realize, I never had in the first place! Please take control. Be with me and show me where I should go. There are so many options for my future with kids. Should I keep pursuing medical treatment? It's all confusing. If I pursue medical treatment, does that mean I don't trust you? I don't know. Show me where to go, Oh God! Help me to keep pursuing you and giving you control. I know giving you control will be a daily challenge. Help me to do it daily. Amen
I now realize that letting go will be a daily challenge. It's not a one time deal. It's going to be a step at a time. I am really trying to believe that I can praise him if it's a no. I am taking it a step at a time.
Isaiah 43:1-5 (NIV)
Israel’s Only Savior
43 But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
This came up in my bible study. I was taken aback from the verse. God formed me and redeemed me. He is WITH me through these trials. He even states HE LOVES ME! I don't remember seeing the specific verses saying he loves us in such a point blank way. I have been pushing him away so much. I've been so angry with him, not allowing him to comfort me.
I have come to the conclusion(which I probably already knew) that God already has control, so me giving it up to him changes nothing. It only changes how I view things.
I am going to share my prayer to him:
God,
I am tired of fighting you and running away. I know what your word says. Please take control of my life, I'm so tired of "trying" to be in control. This is not my life, but yours. You saved me! You made me for some purpose. I have to face the fact that your purpose for my life, might not be to have kids or maybe it's kids in a few years. My life is not my own. I want to stop fighting for control. Control I now realize, I never had in the first place! Please take control. Be with me and show me where I should go. There are so many options for my future with kids. Should I keep pursuing medical treatment? It's all confusing. If I pursue medical treatment, does that mean I don't trust you? I don't know. Show me where to go, Oh God! Help me to keep pursuing you and giving you control. I know giving you control will be a daily challenge. Help me to do it daily. Amen
I now realize that letting go will be a daily challenge. It's not a one time deal. It's going to be a step at a time. I am really trying to believe that I can praise him if it's a no. I am taking it a step at a time.
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