niaw: "Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?"

Resolve: www.resolve.org/

      This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. They have a blog challenge and the question is "Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?" It can be very lonely in many ways. I don't know what I would have done without the support I received from my TTC board and from people that reached out for me from reading this very blog.
       It is very lonely. I remember feeling alone and frustrated when I went to get together, church, school, ect, because wherever I went there was woman talking about their kids. I didn't have anything to add to their discussions about potty-training, teething, and their babies growing up. What did I have to add to their discussions? I would get so sad and depressed, because honestly, I didn't feel like I belonged. It was like there was this secret group that you are entered into when you have a kid, and I didn't have the ticket. It wasn't like they tried to keep me out. I just didn't have the same type of stories. Sure, I tried. I talked up and down about my adorable nieces that I helped out with, but it just wasn't the same. At this point, I started to pull away from people. I just didn't want to try to pretend anymore. I didn't want to be around anyone. I am naturally a very introverted person, so this just made it more prominent.
    In addition to being lonely from feeling left out, I couldn't take the unsolicited advice. "Why don't you relax?" I'll happen." "Trying should be fun!" Ugh, did they not understand how frustrating and how not helpful their advice or comments were. I tried to dodge bullets and not take it personally, but it was hard. It was hard to remind myself that they didn't know what to say and just were trying to be helpful.
    I also was lonely because I pulled away from God. I was mad at him for a good year or so. I was mad that I was being left behind. I cried, I screamed, and I prayed. I felt abandoned. I was angry. I felt lonely.
     Fast forward 3 years and I have a beautiful baby boy. I am thankful for him. I am in the "mom" club with Eli. But after trying for a sibling for 9 months, the old feelings of loneliness are creeping up again. I feel alone. I can't put it into words. I feel like people are judging for not being okay with just having one kid. I feel frustrated....But I know that God has a plan. I will put my trust in him.

Nahum 1:7 (NIV) ^"The Lord is good,  a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him."

Trust in his ways, not your own. He has a plan, even if he is dragging me screaming and crying. I want to walk with dignity and with confidence, but realistically I feel like I'm not strong enough or have a deep enough faith at times. At times, I need to be able to cry and scream at God when I am hurt and/or frustrated. Luckily, God can take it and loves me for who I am, even if I am emotional. <3

Guilt and Emotions

   I've been holding out. We have been trying for baby number 2 and it's not going well. We decided to start sooner than later, considering it took us almost 2 years to get pregnant. Well, we've been trying for 10 months. I feel broken. I feel emotional exhausted from trying. I am heartbroken.
    I have so many emotions. On one hand, I feel broken. My body has once again failed me. I started OPKs, maybe two months ago. I have ovulated twice. But, again, they say PCOS can make OPK's unpredictable. Your body can get ready to ovulate and not ovulate. So, who knows? We keep trying.
   Here I am struggling once again. I am once again struggling with bitterness and jealousy. I see how easily some people can have their next child and I am struggling. I don't understand why it has to be so hard for me.
    Then I remember that I have a beautiful, intelligent, sweet boy. (Not that I forgot about him) I have this miracle boy. God gave him to me. He is so full of life and so loving. I should be thankful for what I have, and I am. I praise God for this boy all the time. He is amazing and more than I could ever imagine. Then I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I feel that he isn't enough. I was given an amazing gift, a boy. What if this is it? What if God says no more babies?
   I want to give Elijah the joy(and struggles- let's keep it real.) of siblings. I grew up with three. I can't imagine not having two kids, sharing the joys of siblings with them. I have great memories of my siblings and I growing up. The fishing, the cuddling, the "wrestling", the love, and the bond between us in strong. My sister is my best friend. I talk to her almost daily. I can't imagine not having her. My brothers helped make me who I am. I have lots of memories of being a tomboy with them and fishing, making forts, going down to the creek, bike riding, ect. I want all of this for Elijah.
  I am also being selfish. I crave to be pregnant again. I miss that feeling of growing a body. I miss the movement and the joy. I want to hold a baby in my arms and rock them to sleep. I want to help another child grow up. I want to breastfeed again. I want to bond and love another child. I feel like my family isn't done growing.
     Then again, I feel guilt. This could be it. I should be thankful for the babbling child in the crib. (He is waiting for me to get him up this morning and babbling and making my heart jump!) I am thankful for this child. I feel guilt for feeling like I need another child. I feel guilty for even thinking that he isn't enough. My heart is heavy.
   I pour out my soul to God. Praying for an answer. Praying for peace.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7