Update on All Things

   Yesterday morning I had my follie check. There were about 11-12mm and to induce ovulation, they have to be at around 20mm. I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound and maybe an injection. Then if all looks okay, we may do an IUI on Wednesday!
   But we might not... my husband spent a lot of time yesterday looking up our insurance coverage for fertility. He got mixed information. They went back and forth, until HR said that an IUI was assisting in getting pregnant and not covered. Everything else is suppose to be covered. The ultrasounds, the medicines, the appointments(except the co-pay), just not IUIs or InVitro(but we aren't even to that point). I am bummed. It could be $400 + for one cycle. But DH is still not certain about the whole thing.
   We have been going back and forth about whether we are going to go for an IUI. I looked up the statistics for us. I found a very sad statistic that couples trying for over a year have only a 3% chance of conceiving each month, whereas a healthy couple who has been trying for less then a year, has a 20% of getting pregnant. But with Clomid and an IUI our chances increase to 8% according to an Infertility Blog. It's kinda depressing. I won't lie. I also heard that 3 IUI cycles can increase your chances of getting pregnant to 20%. I don't know. There are so many variables, some many different things that get in the way, and of course there is God.
     My doctor is out of town and I will have a different doctor next week. I am going to talk to him about my choices. I really am leery of changing our plan without talking to my doctor about it. I hate making decisions. I don't like feeling and wondering if I am making the right decisions. I will spend some more time thinking and discussing my decision with my husband. I will pray about it.
      I relationship with God has taken a big dive since last week. Last Saturday, I went to a spa retreat through my church. I thought I was okay. We did this meditation about seeing God as a gardener in a garden. I felt like destroying his garden in this meditation. I was/am angry. I want control of this situation. I want to know answers. I think if I knew I would be able to have a child, I would be so much calmer. If I knew we weren't going to be able to have a child, I could move on to where it led us. I feel so alone and lost. I'm struggling with trying to have a relationship with God. I feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. My husband asked if I am holding onto my infertility and if I ever really gave it to God. I can't answer that. I really felt like I did, but here I am again struggling. I don't feel like I can let it go this time. I want to feel like I'm in control. I want, I want, I want.... I know. My heart doesn't seem to be in the right place. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't care about my relationship with God. I so need to get into a better place with God.

Clomid Whine....

     I've had a rough couple of nights. I started Clomid on Thursday. I didn't have any side effects, until Saturday. I blew up emotionally at poor Travis. I was so depressed! I fell apart on Saturday night. Poor unsuspecting Travis didn't know what was going to happen! He didn't know what to say. One of the side effects is moodiness. It was bad! I feel horrible for the way I acted and the things I said. I wasn't mean to just him, but to myself.
   Sunday, I had a mild headache and just felt lousy! Sunday night, I got really hot, I'm not sure if it was an official hot flash or not. But I was so hot and then it went away. On top of it, I watched a movie and it gave me bad nightmares. I tossed and turned for about 1 1/2 hours wide awake. Monday, I woke up with a huge headache/nausea. I took a sick day and felt guilty. I had previously taken a personal day on Friday to take my dog to the vet. I felt guilty for taking another day off. It was a good idea since I spent the entire day in bed with a bad headache. Even though I took Tylenol and took time to sleep, it throbbed all day.
   This morning, I struggled to get out of bed. I had tossed and turned again all night, but worse. I got hot again throughout the night. It was literally from 1 or 2 until 5am. I woke up with another doozie of a headache, but this time headache medicine cured it! I went to school and survived all day! I am incredibly tired and will be going to bed early tonight and hopefully getting a full night soon. Last night was my last Clomid pill, thank God! I am not sure I can take much more of the side effects.
      To recap, side effects of Clomid: nausea, headaches, hot flashes, and bloating. They suck! I may ask my OB/GYN about a different drug called Femara. It isn't approved for fertility by the FDA, but it has been used by many Reproductive Endocrinologist instead of Clomid. It's suppose to have less side effects. We shall have to see what he thinks.
     Friday, I go in for my first ultrasound for follicular monitoring. I shall find out how it is progressing. I am not sure how the IUI will work out or how this whole process works. Hopefully on Friday, I will get some new clarity. I have to take another 1/2 day(hopefully I get back in time!). I'm so sick of taking days off work! I'm sure the secretary thinks I'm crazy for taking so many days! I'm praying it's worth it!

Shutting down

                I feel like I am shutting down for multiple reasons. I don't feel like going out and seeing people. I feel like being reclusive. It seems lately going to church is even a chore. I am having a hard time right now with everything. I felt that my relationship with God was getting better, but it seems to be getting harder to feel him. I don't know if it's because I my last natural cycle failed and my hopefulness was broken because I actually ovulated. I know he is here. For he nevers forsakes us: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5. I just am having a hard time concentrating on doing bible study, doing my prayers, and wanting to go to church functions. I am striving to be his servant and continuing to believe in him, even when I don't feel him. BUT it is hard and it is a struggle.
      I am shutting down with people. I have already said some responses from friends in response of me telling them that I was having fertility issues. I am just tired of hearing to "Just relax!" I would do this in a heartbeat, if it would work. BUT it doesn't. I have a medical condition, relaxing is not going to fix my anovulatory cycles. Or when I talk about how I am struggling with the medical things I am doing to have a baby, and they say "Don't go to such-such a hospital, they are crap!" Or "why don't you do this instead?" When I am pouring out my heart, please don't criticize my choices or question to make my choices for me. These choices are heart-breaking and hard. I didn't make them lightly. I don't want to make these choices. I hate that my next cycle will be "un-natural," but with my doctor's help we have decided that it's the best choice for us! I am heartbroken that we can't get pregnant like most people in a home with their spouse. It's not fair. BUT if I want to get pregnant, this is the most reasonable way. These are my decisions. It hurts me when people, while they maybe meaning well, don't understand and say things that are hurtful. All in all, I won't be sharing as much with people face to face. It's too frustrating and hurtful. I feel like I opened up, only to get hurt. I will keep my blog updated and will talk to my closest friends about it.
   I am shutting down with being hopeful. I ovulated this cycle, even though I didn't think I did. I had an HSG, which some people said that sometimes after an HSG, you will get pregnant. But guess what? I didn't. I got my hopes up. I thought that maybe our last natural cycle would be a charm, but it wasn't. I am heart broken. I have been crying on and off for the past few days. This is such a pain I haven't felt before. If you haven't struggled with IF, you won't understand. (I'm sorry, but it's true) It's so personal. For me, I feel like my purpose as a woman failed. I can't conceive on my own without fertility treatments. It sucks!
     Sorry for such a long and winded post. Sorry for all the whining. I know that in a couple days, I will collect myself and focus on my first IUI/medicated cycle. Don't worry, I will be okay I have an amazing God that takes care of me and an awesome husband who does as well.

Psalm 57:2 "I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me."

Another appointment...

   I had an appointment yesterday with my OB/GYN. He was running late, so I waited a while. It was an appointment with just him and I. He is very tense. The whole time he was looking straight at me, making me feel uncomfortable. I felt intimidated! We discussed what I wanted to do. He agreed to do follicular monitoring. This involves ultrasounds around Day 10 and another one in a few more days. I am still going to take Clomid. But, now that I am doing the follicular monitoring, he also wants me to do a HCG shots. This will make make me ovulate. Then the next day I will have an IUI!
  I am ready for this, but anxious. I told my husband last night that I can't believe we are doing all these things to get pregnant. I can't believe that some people can have sex one time and get pregnant, but we have to jump through hoops. It just plain sucks.
  I am praying for peace that this is the right path, and if not I can be pointed in the right direction.

One year today :(

   Today is officially one year of trying. I am the 15% of people who don't get pregnant within a year. I have shared a lot over this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I share too much. I have also shared a lot with my closest friends and again I wonder if I share too much. I share my pain mostly. I wonder if people are sick of me hearing me cry and share my pain.
  I feel like lately I am trying to put on a brave face in front of everyone, in front of myself, in front of my family and friends. I pretend that everything is okay. I want to prove that I am okay. I don't want people to feel pity, so I pretend. I don't want to feel sad, anger, and hurt, therefore I tell myself that I am okay, that I feel I will be okay. I think sometimes I fool myself. If I focus on the logistics of my treatment when I talk to someone, then I block out my feelings. It's so much easier to say that I am okay, then to spill my feelings and vulnerability. Then there will be a random moment from out of nowhere, where I will start crying. I will just feel sad. I'm not mad or angry. I just feel a wave of sadness over me out of nowhere. I have had a few moments of that lately.
    I pray for peace. I pray that God will help me to praise him even when I feel like this.