niaw: "Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?"

Resolve: www.resolve.org/

      This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. They have a blog challenge and the question is "Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?" It can be very lonely in many ways. I don't know what I would have done without the support I received from my TTC board and from people that reached out for me from reading this very blog.
       It is very lonely. I remember feeling alone and frustrated when I went to get together, church, school, ect, because wherever I went there was woman talking about their kids. I didn't have anything to add to their discussions about potty-training, teething, and their babies growing up. What did I have to add to their discussions? I would get so sad and depressed, because honestly, I didn't feel like I belonged. It was like there was this secret group that you are entered into when you have a kid, and I didn't have the ticket. It wasn't like they tried to keep me out. I just didn't have the same type of stories. Sure, I tried. I talked up and down about my adorable nieces that I helped out with, but it just wasn't the same. At this point, I started to pull away from people. I just didn't want to try to pretend anymore. I didn't want to be around anyone. I am naturally a very introverted person, so this just made it more prominent.
    In addition to being lonely from feeling left out, I couldn't take the unsolicited advice. "Why don't you relax?" I'll happen." "Trying should be fun!" Ugh, did they not understand how frustrating and how not helpful their advice or comments were. I tried to dodge bullets and not take it personally, but it was hard. It was hard to remind myself that they didn't know what to say and just were trying to be helpful.
    I also was lonely because I pulled away from God. I was mad at him for a good year or so. I was mad that I was being left behind. I cried, I screamed, and I prayed. I felt abandoned. I was angry. I felt lonely.
     Fast forward 3 years and I have a beautiful baby boy. I am thankful for him. I am in the "mom" club with Eli. But after trying for a sibling for 9 months, the old feelings of loneliness are creeping up again. I feel alone. I can't put it into words. I feel like people are judging for not being okay with just having one kid. I feel frustrated....But I know that God has a plan. I will put my trust in him.

Nahum 1:7 (NIV) ^"The Lord is good,  a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him."

Trust in his ways, not your own. He has a plan, even if he is dragging me screaming and crying. I want to walk with dignity and with confidence, but realistically I feel like I'm not strong enough or have a deep enough faith at times. At times, I need to be able to cry and scream at God when I am hurt and/or frustrated. Luckily, God can take it and loves me for who I am, even if I am emotional. <3