Guilt and Emotions

   I've been holding out. We have been trying for baby number 2 and it's not going well. We decided to start sooner than later, considering it took us almost 2 years to get pregnant. Well, we've been trying for 10 months. I feel broken. I feel emotional exhausted from trying. I am heartbroken.
    I have so many emotions. On one hand, I feel broken. My body has once again failed me. I started OPKs, maybe two months ago. I have ovulated twice. But, again, they say PCOS can make OPK's unpredictable. Your body can get ready to ovulate and not ovulate. So, who knows? We keep trying.
   Here I am struggling once again. I am once again struggling with bitterness and jealousy. I see how easily some people can have their next child and I am struggling. I don't understand why it has to be so hard for me.
    Then I remember that I have a beautiful, intelligent, sweet boy. (Not that I forgot about him) I have this miracle boy. God gave him to me. He is so full of life and so loving. I should be thankful for what I have, and I am. I praise God for this boy all the time. He is amazing and more than I could ever imagine. Then I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I feel that he isn't enough. I was given an amazing gift, a boy. What if this is it? What if God says no more babies?
   I want to give Elijah the joy(and struggles- let's keep it real.) of siblings. I grew up with three. I can't imagine not having two kids, sharing the joys of siblings with them. I have great memories of my siblings and I growing up. The fishing, the cuddling, the "wrestling", the love, and the bond between us in strong. My sister is my best friend. I talk to her almost daily. I can't imagine not having her. My brothers helped make me who I am. I have lots of memories of being a tomboy with them and fishing, making forts, going down to the creek, bike riding, ect. I want all of this for Elijah.
  I am also being selfish. I crave to be pregnant again. I miss that feeling of growing a body. I miss the movement and the joy. I want to hold a baby in my arms and rock them to sleep. I want to help another child grow up. I want to breastfeed again. I want to bond and love another child. I feel like my family isn't done growing.
     Then again, I feel guilt. This could be it. I should be thankful for the babbling child in the crib. (He is waiting for me to get him up this morning and babbling and making my heart jump!) I am thankful for this child. I feel guilt for feeling like I need another child. I feel guilty for even thinking that he isn't enough. My heart is heavy.
   I pour out my soul to God. Praying for an answer. Praying for peace.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7