Update on All Things

   Yesterday morning I had my follie check. There were about 11-12mm and to induce ovulation, they have to be at around 20mm. I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound and maybe an injection. Then if all looks okay, we may do an IUI on Wednesday!
   But we might not... my husband spent a lot of time yesterday looking up our insurance coverage for fertility. He got mixed information. They went back and forth, until HR said that an IUI was assisting in getting pregnant and not covered. Everything else is suppose to be covered. The ultrasounds, the medicines, the appointments(except the co-pay), just not IUIs or InVitro(but we aren't even to that point). I am bummed. It could be $400 + for one cycle. But DH is still not certain about the whole thing.
   We have been going back and forth about whether we are going to go for an IUI. I looked up the statistics for us. I found a very sad statistic that couples trying for over a year have only a 3% chance of conceiving each month, whereas a healthy couple who has been trying for less then a year, has a 20% of getting pregnant. But with Clomid and an IUI our chances increase to 8% according to an Infertility Blog. It's kinda depressing. I won't lie. I also heard that 3 IUI cycles can increase your chances of getting pregnant to 20%. I don't know. There are so many variables, some many different things that get in the way, and of course there is God.
     My doctor is out of town and I will have a different doctor next week. I am going to talk to him about my choices. I really am leery of changing our plan without talking to my doctor about it. I hate making decisions. I don't like feeling and wondering if I am making the right decisions. I will spend some more time thinking and discussing my decision with my husband. I will pray about it.
      I relationship with God has taken a big dive since last week. Last Saturday, I went to a spa retreat through my church. I thought I was okay. We did this meditation about seeing God as a gardener in a garden. I felt like destroying his garden in this meditation. I was/am angry. I want control of this situation. I want to know answers. I think if I knew I would be able to have a child, I would be so much calmer. If I knew we weren't going to be able to have a child, I could move on to where it led us. I feel so alone and lost. I'm struggling with trying to have a relationship with God. I feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. My husband asked if I am holding onto my infertility and if I ever really gave it to God. I can't answer that. I really felt like I did, but here I am again struggling. I don't feel like I can let it go this time. I want to feel like I'm in control. I want, I want, I want.... I know. My heart doesn't seem to be in the right place. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't care about my relationship with God. I so need to get into a better place with God.