Taking a Break

    So, I found out yesterday that this cycle is a bust! I kinda had a feeling when I got my normal symptoms before my period. Then my temperature went down. I am bummed. I am more than bummed. It's so hard to get your hopes up. I even gave up soda and tea, because caffeine can affect your fertility. I live off caffeine. I have to wonder, why do I do this? I took medicine that made me physically sick. I have religiously getting up early on vacation/weekends to take my temp. I give up stuff that hinders fertility. Only to get my heart broken again.
   My husband and I had so much hope. We thought with the fertility drugs, the good timing, and renewed hope that it would work. We had a good feeling. My husband was visibly upset for the first time last night. It's nice to know that it bothers him as much as it does for me. But it's heart breaking to see him upset. He has been so strong for me!
   We have decided to take a small break. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Throughout the past two weeks, I felt every twinge and thought maybe I was pregnant. I got hopeful. It's taken it's toll. The past 14 months have been emotionally rough. No one really understands the emotional roller coaster it is until you've been there. It's been physically exhausting with all the side effects and all the doctor's visits and ultrasounds. I feel like I've been on a bike ride without ever reaching my destination. So, I am taking a small break. I am not temping and sleeping in for the first time in months! I am not taking fertility drugs or going to the doctors, and giving my body a break. I am not going to go on my TTC board and spending more time with my husband and with God. I am hoping that I will feel refreshed and renewed hope when I am done.
   I have been struggling with trusting God and believing that he even cares about what happens on earth. I am struggling with praising him. I feel like I have been putting my trying to get pregnant before him. I have been so angry that he has not blessed me with a baby. I know I need to realign my mind with him. I need to give him this burden, yet I don't feel like I can let go of it. I feel silly like the story of the girl who wouldn't give up her play pearls, when her dad planned on giving her real pearls. I want to believe that I will use this time to get over these issues, but right now I am so upset I can't promise I will. Please give up a prayer that I will be able to let go and let God. That I will be able to trust him and give him my worries and burdens.
   Sorry for the long post. Thank You for listening to the whiny rant of me. Thank you to those that are praying. I really appreciate them!