Praying to God

                "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; FREE me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins." Psalm 25: 16-18
   Today I cried on the way to work. I don't mean just a single tear, I mean a full out crying. I am so tired of feeling depressed. I prayed to God, CRIED out to him. I prayed that He would give me joy. I mean real joy. I want to feel happy again. I want to be able to do the things I used to do without thinking about infertility and feeling sad about my lack of ability to get pregnant. I want to have conversations without thinking always about my infertility. I want to be genuinely happy for pregnancies, babies, and mothers happy moments in conversations.
    I am disappointed that it's taking so long to get pregnant. I have had the thought that what if God's plan isn't for us to get pregnant. I want to be able to Praise God even if that happens. I want to have that great faith of Paul. He praised God while he was in chains and in prison. Why don't I feel the same way? Why am I doubting God? Why am I struggling to give my life to him daily?
     I do realize that I've only been trying for 14 months, while others have been trying for years(some up to 10). But I am a very Emotional person. I really feel my successes, my failures, my hopes, my dreams, and my feelings. I know I need to look at the big picture. I need to see that 14 months in the grand scheme of things, isn't that long. But the what ifs are killing me. What if I don't get pregnant? What if God wants us to be childless? What if I get pregnant and miscarry?
  So, if you are still following my blog (even after all the whining, crying, and tantrums), please pray for God's will to be done in my life and for Joy. That God would use this journey to bring me closer to him and that I can let go of my life on a daily basis. Thank You.