I have a lot on my mind, so I apologize if it gets jumbled and long. I got through Mother's Day pretty easily. It helped to get together with some amazing other women are struggling with infertility. We went to McDonald's to talk about what was going on, our hurts, our sorrows, and how we feel on IVF. It felt good to talk to these ladies. So, I pretty much got through Mother's Day, because besides that and grocery shopping I didn't leave the house. My husband and I went last Saturday to Walmart to pick up prescriptions and when you immediately walked through the door, everything was about Mother's Day. Of course, my husband didn't notice it and said he didn't see anything but a few signs! Men!
I honestly thought that once I gave up my control on infertility that I would feel better and not be so upset. Boy, was I wrong. I have been so frustrated with Facebook, because the past two weeks every time I open Facebook there is pregnancy updates, adorable baby photos, or guess what I'm pregnant. It still stings. It still hurts! Now, I am all for people sharing their news and it's good news. It should be shared and I'm not saying that people should censor what they put on because other people feel. I am sure when and if I get pregnant, I will do the same thing. But for me and other people struggling with infertility, it hurts. One of my friends says she hates getting on Facebook for this reason. At the same time, I love to know what is going on in people's lives. I like being able to see who I can pray for or who has good news! I adore being able to see my sister's life and my nephews through Facebook.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that every time I go to an event with people my age, I feel left out, overlooked, especially if kids are involved. I realize that my age group is having kids and enjoying motherhood. But it sucks. These events usually consist of people talking about their kids and the funny/great things they do, whether it's milestones or just great things. Then there's me, who just listens politely while inside I am trying to figure out a way out! Again, I am not saying to censor your conversation, because that's your life. It revolves around your kids and that's great! I just feel left out. I feel sad when I watch kids play and laugh, realizing that my future is unknown. It's just hard.
I don't want to feel left out or sad about these things, because they are amazing things. Kids are amazing, pregnancy is amazing! I'm tired of feeling this way. I want my life back when I didn't feel this way. I don't want to have to worry about how I will get through an event. I feel like infertility has taken away my joy of being around kids sometimes. I love to do nursery, babysit, and be around kids. I need my mothering to come out so how. I need cuddle times, especially with my nieces. But when it's all over I can't promise I won't feel sad or cry. I guess sometimes, maybe I am over-dramatic and over sensitive, but I can't change who I am. I can't change how I feel. It's who I am.
So a short update on my progress of everything. First I want to AW my husband, he is amazing and comforts me so much. He may not always understand why I get upset, but he is there to hold me while I cry. In addition to this, he talks openly to his coworkers about our issues, which for a man is pretty amazing. He works in an office full of women. Well, two women have been in our shoes and gives good advice. One women struggles with PCOS without Insulin Resistance, which is just like me, talked to him and gave him advice. She saw a endocrinologist at the hospital and he dealt with all of her infertility. Well, another person(not in his office) told me I should see one since I am taking Metformin. So, I made an appointment to go see this doctor and see what he says. I feel like the hospital's OBGYN is lacking on their knowledge of infertility. I was very upset how my last cycle went and how it was dealt with. So, my appointment isn't until June 6th, our 3rd anniversary. I am kinda worried that the doctor is going to look at my crazy and ask why I am there to see him. Anyway, I am going and that means at least one more cycle will be without help.
Thanks for listening to me vent, cry, and give an update. Sorry it's so long!
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