Another Failed Cycle

             I was so certain that this was going to be it! I had a feeling. I felt nauseous the past couple mornings, but now I think its been due to the warm weather and not eating right lately. I really was hopeful that on month 17 I'd get pregnant. If I did, I would be due in April and that would be great for a teacher like me! I also "relaxed" on vacation, but alas it still didn't happen. I am crushed. I am beyond crushed.
         I'm told my husband yesterday that I feel like God is telling me No. I don't know why, but it seems to be that. We were going to do Clomid 2 cycles ago, but we missed one due to timing and last cycle I couldn't do it because I was going to be on vacation when I needed to be monitored. Next cycle, I will be down in Virginia visiting my sister when I need to get monitored. In addition, my husband won't be coming. So another month down the drain! I just feel like God is saying No with all these coincidences.
        I won't lie. I am kinda angry with God. I want a baby now! I want to share with my friends. I seriously feel like I am being left behind. Most of my friends have kids and if they don't have kids they are pregnant. I am feeling overwhelmed with depression. Everywhere I go, I am reminded about how I am not pregnant and don't have a kid. I went back and forth yesterday whether to go to church or stay home as I'd been crying all morning. I thought I needed to go to church. I went and cried through the songs and the prayers. I got through the sermon and made a beeline for the door. I don't feel like I can sing some of the songs about how wonderful God is, while I feel like he's abandon me. Don't get me wrong, I know he hasn't. But it feels like he has. I know some people have walked away from their faith due to infertility. I don't think I could ever walk away. But I haven't been the model Christian either. I can't seem to do my devotions or prayers in the morning. I feel spiteful toward him. If he won't give me a baby, why should I pray for one? I know I am being a bad Christian, but I can't seem to do what I am suppose to do. I wish I could write that I had faith like Job and was praising God for all that he has given me. That I had faith like Paul and in my suffering, I still am a dutiful and good Christian. But honestly, I can't. It takes all I have to go to church.
      Yesterday, I picked up a devotional at my mother-in-laws on praying. I am hoping to start it soon! I want to feel God again! I want to have hope in him and believe in his timing.
    Sorry for the depressing blog. I hope soon, I can write a more cheery one, even if it's not one about pregnancy.