Infertility and Marriage

    Infertility can really affect a marriage. It's a very trying time. You have some many decisions to make. You are very vulnerable. You struggle together and struggle apart.
   I was so mad at my husband when he wasn't as upset as I was when I got my diagnosis. He was hopeful that we would be able to overcome it. I was crying constantly and frustrated that he didn't show how upset he was. I discovered though that it was a good thing that he was strong for me. I needed someone that was positive and to be strong FOR me. He has always been the strong one.
   When another cycle has failed, I cry and am super upset. I get sad for at least a day. I mope around the house and get angry. My husband, on the other hand, will always be optimistic. He says, "it will happen." "Don't let this upset you!" I wish I could be so optimistic, but that's not who I am. I sometimes feel lonely in this quest, like I am the only one who cares or gets upset. I have to remind myself that he is in it too, he just deals with it differently. I'm sure he is much more upset than he shows. Though sometimes, I wish he'd show it.
   Another strain is when I find out another friend is pregnant. I HAVE to cry my way through it. I have to deal with the hurt, jealousy, and sadness! He wants me to be okay. He doesn't seem to understand my need to cry and get upset. He seems to just want me to be happy and not think about it. But as one infertile to another, it's very hard to ignore or not get upset about another pregnancy announcement. I think he doesn't know the right thing to say to help me. I have to remind myself that he is just trying to be strong for me. I know he is trying.
   Infertility has made me into a crying mess on many accounts. He is usually there to hold me and let me cry. There are times, I feel like a burden to him because I get sooo depressed. There are times I am so depressed that I don't want to do anything, hang out with anyone, but cry and stay hidden inside. I don't think he understands my depression that takes over. I wish he did. I wish I didn't get depressed. I wish there wasn't a reason to get depressed. But again, he tries to do the right thing for me by being optimistic.
   This journey has put many strains on our marriage, but I think it's strengthen our marriage too. There are many times I look at him and am glad I have him. He really does want the best for me and tries to say the right thing. We seem to fit well together. The Yin and Yang(Happy and Depressed). We have gotten stronger through this journey. We have dealt with the highs and lows of infertility and it has made us cling to each other more intensely. Many people don't understand what it feels to go through this, but at least we have each other. I am thankful for having him. I can't imagine going through this with anyone else. I thank God that I found him and married him! I thank God for his strength to get through infertility together hand-in-hand.