Hopeful??

   I should be hopeful, right? I'm not feeling very hopeful. I think some of it is that I am pessimistic. I don't think it's going to work. I see the statistics and I automatically think it's not going to work. I think on some level, I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to believe it will happen because I don't want to break my heart. I don't want to have hope, only for it to slip through my fingers. I NEED to be more optimistic. I need to fight to feel hopeful.
   Another big reason that I am not feeling hopeful, is I am still not sold on doing this unmonitored. I have done major research on the internet. There are many sites which say that OBGYNs don't monitor and then some which say that it is necessary. From what I have gathered is that a monitored cycle includes a baseline ultrasound, which makes sure there are no cysts.  They need to do this as Clomid can cause Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. This is when the clomid makes your ovaries swollen and can be dangerous. There was a girl that almost died from it on my board and another one who got really sick. They also do some bloodwork looking for hormones. They will use a couple more ultrasounds to monitor the growth of the follicles. I also gathered that monitoring with help with perfect timing of the IUI and that you don't have too many follicles. Clomid can cause too many folicles to grow, which can cause multiple births.
    So with all this information. I don't understand why they wouldn't suggest me to be monitored. Doesn't it sound like the safer plan? Doesn't it make sense? Is there something I don't understand? I don't want to waste my Clomid cycles. You can only do 6 cycles, since it can affect your liver. I am frustrated because I feel like no one is listening to my concerns or takes my concerns seriously. I am frustrated, because I want to make the right decision. My husband and I decided that we are going to ask my OB-GYN to monitor me and hopefully he agrees and sees the value in it.
    Right now, I am crushed that even have to fight for monitoring. I am crushed that I can't get pregnant the normal way. I am crushed that it is taking so much more to have a baby.