In my first post I had said I thought this would be a long journey. No truer words then that. I can not believe its been almost a year since we have been trying. One year of watching friends get pregnant and even having their own baby. I have watched others fill their arms with little ones, while ours remain empty. It's been a rough year.
I've had a year of advice thrown at me as I tell people of my infertility. I have been told to just relax and it would happen. No words are more frustrating to hear. I am pretty relaxed compared to some people. Some girls cut caffeine out completely, eat a fertility diet, eat pineapple cores, and herbs, ect. There are some crazy things women do to get pregnant. I don't. I tempt every morning and use OPKS in hopes that I ovulate. RELAXING is not going to fix my anovulatory cycles. It may help me cope, but with my frustrations right now, it makes me upset when people say to just relax. Another advice tip is to enjoy your life now, which is good advice. But when all you want to do is hold a little blessing in your arms, it's frustrating. It's hard for others to understand the yearnings you have. My favorite response to telling someone I had infertility issues was that the person went on for three minutes about how freaking lucky he was to have his own blessing. It was hard to hear him telling me how he was lucky in the midst of me telling him my brokenness. This hurt the most.
I've had a year of intermittent jealousy and bitterness. I felt the stab of jealousy of the people who can accidentally get pregnant or get pregnant within the first 3 months of trying. I am bitter when I hear of drug addicts having a 11 month old baby on the floor while they shoot up or when I hear parents screaming at their children at the store. I feel these people don't deserve children. I get jealous when I hear another person is pregnant. My heart turns bitter, asking God when it's my turn. BUT God is SLOWLY changing my heart. He is showing me that everything happens in his time and not my preconceived time. He has a plan for everyone, including the drug addicts and abusers. I will not understand, but he does. He is all knowing. This isn't saying that I still don't get jealous or bitter, but God is working on my heart.
I've had a year of tears. I've cried over seeing babies, hearing babies, and holding babies. I love babies. I love to watch babies. It's been hard to deal with the sadness of not conceiving my own baby. I've had tears wondering if I will ever get to have my own baby. Tears over why it's so hard for me to make a baby, yet other people have them so easily. Tears over listening to people talk about their blessing and wondering if I will ever get to talk about my blessing.
I've also had so really good things come over the past year. I have gotten closer and reached out to other women who struggle with the same thing. I have shared with their sorrows and joys. I have been able to pray for them faithfully. I have been able to share the joy of a friend who got pregnant after 5 years of trying and 2 miscarriages. It is amazing how God works.
Although the diagnosis of PCOS is not a good thing, but just knowing why I am having issues is. I feel more at peace about why I gained about 60 + pounds since high school. They put me on the medicine to regulate my hormones. Even though it doesn't agree with my stomach, it has helped me with the weight. I have lost 27 pounds! I am finally losing weight and keeping it off. This has been a blessing. I really struggled in college with why I was gaining so much weight. I would try to lose the weight, but never succeed. This explains why I gained so much weight. I finally don't feel as guilty or as embarrassed about it.
I have gotten closer to God in the past month, then I have been in a long time. I am reading a helpful book called "Hannah's Hope." Its really helping me deal with my infertility and getting closer with God. He is working on my heart so much! He is giving me healing from this hurt. He is there for me on my good days and my bad. He has taken a lot from me lately, screaming at him while I drive home after a rough day, and crying out to him for comfort. My God is real and he is there for me.
My husband and I are closer through this struggle. He is an amazing husband and is so optimistic. He just holds me as I cry. He is so strong while I am struggling. He has given me so many prep talks to help me feel positive. He is there to hold my hand through this journey and love me.
I have hope for the next steps in our journey. I hope that I get pregnant, but if I don't God has a plan and I will praise him(after I cry). I have my husband to lean on and to help me through the next steps in our journey.
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