In all honesty, I haven't been taking care of my body. I had high hopes for this summer! I was going to work out at least 3 times a week and lose the last 10 pounds that kept me from under 200 pounds. The exact opposite happened. I didn't take care of my body. I was so depressed this summer. I thought I would get pregnant by at least 18 months! I thought I would get to share all those exciting feelings and finally have a baby. When it didn't happen, I was crushed. I spent most of my summer hiding inside watching TV. I didn't want to do anything. This whole journey has really impacted my depression. There were days this summer that all I wanted to do is cry and lay around. Granted I did babysit a wonderful little girl 6 hours a week and took two graduate classes. BUT I had time to work out and guess what? I didn't. I could have made healthy meals for my husband and I. I could have made a better effort to eat healthier. But I didn't! I indulged in chocolate, sweets, and junk food. I gained about 10 pounds back.
I want to be healthier and lose weight, but every time I try I quit for some lame excuse. I really do want to be healthier, I just don't have the motivation or determination, especially with school starting. I am so stressed over school. I want to do everything right, but sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing is. It's hard to find our own groove in teaching. There is a lot of new things to learn this year for me. I know once I get into a groove and feel more comfortable, I will be okay. I'm just stressing a lot about it. One good thing about school is that it takes about the amount of time I think about infertility. The only time I think about it is when I see the teenagers in my high school that are pregnant or co-workers that are.
My biggest issue right now with infertility is Jealousy. I am so jealous of all the women that are pregnant and can get pregnant or have kids. I feel those stabs of pain in my chest when I see pregnant women or see women with their children. I want that so bad. In church a couple weeks ago, I was surrounded with families with kids. They were cuddling their babes in their arms and All I could think about was about how much I wanted that! I want a baby to look me in the face and call me mommy. I want to overcome jealousy. But right now, I'll not sure how.
In other news, I finally got my new insurance and my apt with the RE at the fertility clinic is Sept. 21st. I am so excited and nervous! I'm looking forward to going to an apt. where the waiting room isn't filled with pregnant ladies and the walls aren't covered in babies.
That's an update. Thanks for reading my blog. If you got through this, here's a dessert!
Depression is a jerk. And infertility makes it worse. But, may I suggest, though it is hard, to get up and get moving. Don't try to do too much, maybe just a walk around the neighborhood in the evening. Don't think of it as exercising, or a chore to do for weight loss, think about it as a way to rejuvinate your mind, free yourself from the stress, focus on the nature around you and the feeling you get from just walking. It won't take us out of our infertility, but it will make it easier to deal with and it will lift your mood.
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