Breastfeeding is Hard

     I said in his birth story that we struggled with breastfeeding and that I would go more into detail. Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things and frustrating things. Little did I know that it would be rough. But I think it's worth it. I have a strong conviction that since I am able to do this for my baby, that I need to do it. I did a lot of research on breastfeeding and learned how beneficial it is for the baby that I believe that I need to do it.
    The first couple days were really rough. The nurses would say one thing and another nurse would say another. One said I needed to get him on a schedule of feeding every two hours, but then another said to feed on demand. I wasn't sure what to do. I tried feeding him every two hours, but between him sleeping through the feedings and people visiting. It was hard. I wasn't at a place where I wanted to nurse with people there or felt like I could kick people out of the hospital room. And Eli would NOT stay awake to feed. It was awful. I asked for help from the nurses to get him to eat, but they were super busy in the hospital as the floor was full with women giving birth and in labor. He went one night 4-5 hours without eating. Then the day of discharge, he went another long time without eating. I cried and bawled that I wasn't doing a good enough job. I really struggled. I thought that I should have this down. He needs to eat and isn't doing it.
    I came home and tried to feed him. He wouldn't latch right. I cried. I was frustrated, he was frustrated. Eventually, he did eat a couple times. Then that night he started to push away from me and cry. He would not latch. I cried some more. Finally, I called Labor and Delivery for help. We don't have a lactation consultant, but there are a few nurses that can help. One nurse, Melissa, who discharged me, told me to come in and she would help. I bawled in the room when she asked what was wrong. I explained what he was doing. She told me that we are both new at it and are learning. He wants to nurse and he is meaning to push me away, he was just frustrated. She had me pump for ten minutes and I had more than enough milk. So, that made things a lot easier, because I knew my body was producing enough for him. She showed me how to feed him from a syringe if needed. She gave me a nipple shield and showed me how to use it. She also had me call after every feeding that day to see how it was going. He latches now, but only with the shield.
         Last week, I discovered I started to crack. I went back to the nurse and she said get some triple cream and she gave me a bigger shield. She also encouraged me to try to nurse without the shield. I got my triple cream and continued to nurse with the shield. I tried every so often to nurse without the shield and it was a struggle. Then he started to suck so hard that it was definitely hurting me to use the shield. I know I need to wean him and just learn to nurse him without. I called another hospital that had a lactation consultant and she said she would see me for free! Imagine how elated I was. I went and she gave me a few pointers and answered a few questions, but really she didn't help a lot.
      I tried all last night to nurse without a shield. But to get him to latch is difficult. He never keeps his mouth wide enough to nurse and ends up with only the tip and that hurts. Mechanically his arms are flaying and his head is bobbing and it's hard to get him to latch. He can eat and get enough milk, but it's the fact that it hurts me that is the problem.
         Honestly, I am so ready to be done, but at the same time I really want this to work. I know pumping is an option for us as I have a good supply, but I really want to nurse him. I want the bonding time. It's been a really rough two weeks. I have cried so much over this but I really want to make it work. I am going to continue to try as of now.